my friend Lizka commented on something that rings fairly true the other day: men never marry or stay with their A, or their 10. They always choose option b, or someone they rank a 9 after having a 10.
Our theory on this is that men don't like having to deal with a woman who is their equal in intelligence, good in bed, etc. They don't. They prefer the one who looks up to them, instead of the one who looks them in the eye.
There are exceptions to this (my friends Kevin and Katherine, for example, are equals, see themselves as equals and always have). But most men have the courage of a rabbit when faced with a woman who can stand up to them or demand a straight answer.
My own personal conclusion in my brain for this week: worrying about someone who is as communicative as my computer (even my computer tells me at times it's been updated, or has memory issues... my computer at least has the functionality to tell me when something is wrong and it's a windows machine for fuck's sake) is a waste of my time. or so it feels. I'm better off filing love affairs off in the 'it was nice while it lasted, my memories of you are fond, i'm glad we are friends" category. That's the way men treat relationships with me, and if that's what they want, then they can have what they get. They don't get room for regrets, and I don't give second chances... the only time I did, it was a nightmare. I don't come with a reverse gear. I don't need to relive anything. Forward or no way at all. That is, unfortunately or fortunately, the way I am wired. I'm full steam, stupid/blind or not, ahead to where I am going and what I am about to do.
I saw a really old friend tonight (and I mean, old... we've known each other since we were 11, so now it's been 18 years), and she said she couldn't ever see me settling down. That in a lot of ways, other than I'm reasonably happy as an adult, I'm not so different than my teenage self, when I said I never wanted to marry or be saddled with a man forever. I've been saying that since I was a very young child, and it's never really deviated. During my time with Ryan, future time was amorphous, and I guess I assumed that we would always be together, or at least for the following two years (I don't plan as long as Chairman Mao... I seem to go on the two-year plan) at any point. Breaking up was a shock, but also a rather amazing blessed sense of freedom. After I met the cellist, the thoughts of 'long-term' once again entered my head. It wasn't meant to be with him, as our lives just collided in the short term, but it reminded me there were people I was more compatible with in the world than the usual retard male I meet.
The most recent affair spoke about how he was beginning to think that, at almost 40, he should perhaps settle down. Perhaps he should. I hope he does meet a nice girl and have a baby. I'll send a present and wish them well. I'll probably end up living in the same city as them, so I can even baby-sit and hopefully he would have a non-jealous partner that wouldn't care that I once fucked her baby's father.
Ok, now after the long run of evidence, I will come to the conclusion (I didn't write this as cleanly as a proof.. my written proofs were usually far more elegant than this long winded commentary). I'm probably an A or a 10. Too high for most men, if not all men, to shoot for. I don't think that I am, but they seem to think so. That's what seems to result in the pedestal placing (as with my darling old music-lover) or fear, or an annoyance that I'll stand up to them. A man wants someone they are comfortable with and who will worship them. I won't worship anyone. I'd adore and admire, but never kiss the ground they walk on. Too many men aren't comfortable with me and think I'm some goddess, which results in me being rejected for the former reason. I don't mind, I suppose, this relegation to spending my life single. It was, after all, a most likely conclusion, and maybe it isn't the conclusion, and life can change and who knows what can happen (I'm only saying this so my friends won't condemn me for being a fatalist; I, for my own part, remain a skeptic).
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