random rant about the world

since this is pretty much hidden from the world, i can rant about whatever is bothering me most of all...

today: learning the new standards for HTML 4.0, since I have to rewrite the website for the Krim and Bom project. Dealing with the bureaucracy at Portland State so that they will reimburse me the rest of my money so that I don't die of some dreadful disease in Africa. Trying to relearn CSS, correctly this time. Thinking about writing, but Austin is about as inspiring as an old moldy sock, so writing is always really hard here.

Downloading Knoppix so as to access other files that I need to complete some work for LinguistList. Trying to stave off annoying illness I feel coming down upon my head. Wishing it were me, not Shanta, going back to the bay area tomorrow (or rather both of us were going, because I love it out there and would hope anyone in Austin would leave and start anew in some place with much more pizazz than this place).

Again, sorting out issues of the figs and the thistles. Figs are partially a matter of taste, after all. I've had good figs... but they were never the right taste. I woke up this morning with a feeling of impatience. Knowing that the fig I am currently examining will never put forth effort, due to his perpetual habit of not taking risks. And I am a risk. A high risk, with little possible return investment. I am apt to run off to different continents, take on a job that is somewhere else, and so forth. I am not the kind of woman who will settle down easily, and the man who is capable of settling with me better know how to control the daily hurricane. They can't want children, because I can't have any. There will be no pitter patter near me, no pregnancy, no glow. That bothers me for many reasons, for the simple fact I can't experience pregnancy (which I always thought I could), and in the end, it makes me less somehow. Maybe not less of a person, but it lessens the experiences I could have had, or thought I would have in this life.

I can be patient and just wait. I have other things on my mind now, and cluttering it with thoughts of what can't be won't help me in any way mentally or emotionally. My emotions have had a hold put on them, because I am no longer willing to take risks either, not after taking so many and had so many disappointments. It's not that I'm not willing to love again, I just want to make sure it is worth my time and effort before I do.