considering gender, place in life, and such things

two conversations today:

one - with a male friend, concerned that he isn't where he should be in his life so as to properly attract the opposite sex. the friend in question is 38, not so young, but not so old, either. he's in college, after having decided to go back to learn how to do something new in life.

i always applaud people for going to get an education, since most people in our society are such lackluster idiots. but he realized that, while he doesn't care for the opinions of people in general, it bothers him that the regards of others in society with care to place in life, see him as not in the proper and fitting role of a male of his age.

i agree that it is bullshit. but, on the other hand, i have this serious requirement that someone have a job/career. preferably career, as i have something akin to that as well. settled in their life, as i have begun to settle in my own. i don't want someone growing in a way that i grew years ago, because i've been there and done that and would find it unchallenging to date someone going through a process i went through years ago. there is a serious need for compatibility in a relationship, and place in life is one of those. of course, that rules me out for anyone at the moment.

the second was with my old boss/friend in berlin, who is 37, divorcing, mother of two, former war correspondent. she is thrilled that i am going to darkest africa to do something i've dreamed of doing for about five or six years, and gave me great insight into the importance of not only doing something that is so important to you (she also wanted to be a war correspondent), but in going to a place where the little bullshit in life, such as if your coffee is burnt or not, is quite fucking irrelevant. she was in kosovo in the middle of a war, and i'll be in a former war zone that is not recovering very quickly. i think they are comparable, if not quite the same, experiences. this friend is something of a hero to me, i admit, since she is not so dissimilar from myself in many ways. i see her as someone to emulate, even though her life is not the one i will have (she has two gorgeous kids, who i will say are very much adored by me, as i participated in their upbringing for over a year).

ah, but she is divorcing, since her husband (fifteen years older, feckless financially, and refusing to join her in the city she is living in with their children) has turned out to be ultimately hopeless. she, too, is another woman i know who has not had wedded bliss, or good luck with the men folk of the world, but she does at least have her beautiful children. i don't dislike her version of motherhood (as she still has her career), but she is a single mother, with all of its accompanying stresses and difficulties, even if she can afford to pay for a nanny to help with the kids. i've seen her life, up close, and don't think i could do it, or even want to try. perhaps it has turned out for the best that kids aren't an option.

and a conversation with the fig today... funny, i read all of these emails today, as i was sorting through it tonight, and found all of these old emails between us from before the kisses and such this summer. i think before we were involved in any way, or not involved, or whatever the fuck it is, he was easier and more carefree with talking to me. now, he seems to be more withdrawn, more afraid. i know that i am too, but i am making the effort. i am chatting with him, although it feels so odd and awkward to chat with him, because it is fucking chat, for fucks sake, not the living breathing person next to you on the pillow, or across from you at a dinner table or a cafe or bar. i miss him, very much, and, yes, admit to liking him very much... 'like' btw is a stupid stupid idiotic repulsive word that i am beginning to loathe as much as boyfriend. i hate fucking english and its refusal to describe anything well except emotional content of deep and human nature. we have no words to describe grief, none to describe feelings for others... the greeks were far far more awesome than we were back in the hey-day. no idea on the current language, but one pass through the iliad would yield far better words for love and loss than we currently hold in our own language.