on the fig, my day, my friends

one poor darling friend tonight... is suffering because of a man...

she can't sleep. she looks as though her life is washing through her fingers like sand. like she can't stop the tidal forces of whatever is controlling her, overwhelming her. a stupid man, a stupid, slovenly, morbidly embarrassing male met another woman behind her back..

the shock is worse this time than others i think. far worse. she had plans to be with this guy. to try and have kids with him. she's not twenty-five either. i think the shock of this is harder than others because she had so much invested in him, so many hopes and dreams tied to him and now it is gone. it is easy to say that he wasn't worthy of her (he wasn't, he's scum), but for a woman, at least, that kind of emotional investment getting blown is hard as hell in your twenties (i speak from personal experience), but in your thirties? fuck, fuck, fuck... this is like having everything you believed in and worked for knocked out from under you.

maybe this is why i have trouble promising anything i know for sure. i've had too many men play at love, and never really make an honest attempt at it. perhaps two of them did, but one was not ready, and not right besides, and the other did nothing but pet and love me all day and invest nothing in his own self worth as he should have. but it just feels like people would rather play house than make a house, would rather like the good things about having a boyfriend/girlfriend/whatever else, rather than deal with the hard things that come to having another person with a stake in your life.

these are very serious questions for me to be considering right now. the almost 30 thing. the friends marrying and breeding. i don't want to be approaching 40, ruing things i should have done years earlier or crying at the realization i will spend the rest of my life alone.