i am not so brilliant, nor so beautiful...

last night, i had a conversation (it's really conversations that for me provide my mental fuel)...
about facts of what men say and what men do.

men, ahem, men in my life say, usually repeatedly: 'you are brilliant' or 'you are beautiful'. i am neither, really. i am not brilliant. i am of above-average intelligence, perhaps, and well-educated. that gives me the appearance of brilliance. i am not beautiful. decent-looking, but not beautiful.

men in my life often say they care for me. or love me. or they say nothing at all.

men in my life do...
often lack confidence in their actions. if they are behind a camera or in front of a computer, they are like achilles in warfare. they are bold and know what they do. if they are confronted with a human being with emotions, they falter like the barest fool.

can't commit to anything that takes away from their own selfish existence. they can't keep their word because it might mean they have to give up something of their own lives. they might have to lose control. it makes them insane that they might have to do so.

of course, the one exception to that is the one person who i dated who clearly lacked any confidence in his ability with regards to himself. he wasn't acceptable because of that. he could give, but he couldn't put up boundaries. he knew no such thing, such as a boundary with me he wasn't allowed to cross, or setting a boundary i wasn't allowed to cross. his love bordered on obsession, like i was a prize.

and to a few other men, i have been a prize.

i am not a prize. i am also not a toy you can enjoy for a little while and throw into the closet. i am a person. yes, i do want to be idolized and petted and adored at times, as i am a female, and think it is my natural right, but remember that women, myself included, nurture your wounded ego and admire you as well. that is a give and take. but i also want you not to forget that i am a person, a person who prefers friendship above all else, a companion whose beauty will fade, but whose mind will remain intact. if you want something to last, try treating me like your car in a few ways: you have to change the oil, right, and fill it with gas, and take it in? you have to take care of it for it to last. yes, a relationship with a woman is like that. you have to pay attention and listen, you have to make your own boundaries and expectations clear, and understand that the other person has them as well.