a letter to someone I'll never send

no, I don't post on here, Harper... but it's just an expulsion for thought...

so, without further adieu...

Dear ex-boyfriend of several times,

Do I still owe you an apology after all the others I made? I guess, after realization that it was a terrible mistake to date anyone seriously when I dated you. I was an emotional nutjob at that point, having possibly lost the thing I knew and had counted on, based my life around and always thought I would have. Loving someone else that I could never have. Dating you was a mistake, a huge one, not because of you, but because of me. You offered me your heart and soul and I needed someone to affirm me at that time, and you were the sacrificial lamb to my needs at that time.

It is not that I didn't appreciate that gift. It is why I loved you, because I knew you loved me unconditionally. I could do anything and get away with it. God knows that I did.

But, would it have worked out? Not in a million years. Your fatal flaw is your lack of belief in yourself, your refusal to be who you are and be the person you could be, instead you hide and pretend to be something else to live up to some outdated idea you hold of life. You have to grow beyond thirty, or eighteen, my dearest, or you might as well die at those ages. Living up to a past ideal that is no longer valid is the worst waste of a life. Better to live in the burbs and drive an SUV and have no awareness than to live a lie.

And, really, somewhere inside, I never doubt myself. I refuse. Why? Because of that love before you. Somewhere along our path of life we traveled together he gave me the ultimate belief that it would always be ok. That I can't stop and look down, that I must keep looking forward and find what it is I seek, and never stop until I do. I can't be with anyone who doubts themselves constantly. I need someone who can look forwards with me, and who can build something with me greater than both of ourselves. Perhaps I will never find this, but it is better to live alone and on the path I belong on than to compromise for someone who I can't share with, can't grow with. Someone who's trajectory is more like that of my own.

So, thank you for the emotional support you gave me. The rough spots I got through because of you. I wish it would not have taken so much from you with so little gain save a lifetime of wistful sighs for you.

-j.

so there it is, the awful confession that I used someone and wasn't even aware of it at the time. oh, the cruelties of turning thirty and realizing your mistakes.